


You don't know what you have until you lose it

by yamaneko19xx



Series: Losing control [2]
Category: Metal Gear
Genre: Canon Disabled Character, Falling In Love, Love Triangles, M/M, Ocelot's pov, POV First Person, Romance, and kaz too, guest starring EVA, mentions of torture, ocelhira, ocelot is a dramaqueen, self indulgent ocelhira
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-26
Updated: 2016-06-23
Packaged: 2018-06-10 18:43:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 20,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6969703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yamaneko19xx/pseuds/yamaneko19xx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Tell me Kazuhira, did you let them break you?” My tone of voice could had made anyone piss on their pants, but he didn’t flinch and smirked at me while he pushed my hand away from his throat.</p><p>“No one can break me.” He said while he sat up on the bed to fix his clothes and hair. “Except you, Adam.”</p><p>Ocelot's pov. Companion fic for "Something Changed" (Kaz's pov). Ocelot goes from trying to avoid Kaz, to trying to win his heart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Trying to avoid you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ocelot thinks about his unavoidable relationship with Kaz, from wanting to forget him to trying to win his heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This started as the companion chapter for [Something Changed](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6752992) but I got carried away and included more things.
> 
> I need more Ocelhira! 
> 
> Chapter 2 will be posted shortly once I finish reviewing it. I’ll go over chapter 1 eventually to see if there are any mistakes/typos, etc. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!

_“I want you.”_ Was what he told me. Why would you want me, if you had _him_ back?

 

There was a chain of events that led me to him and forced me to admit my feelings. It was one of the most difficult decisions of my life as this was not about an undercover mission, nor about tracking down Big Boss throughout Central and South America, or taking care of his enemies…

No, it was something more complicated than just pulling the trigger to kill someone. It was the fact that I had to strip all my masks down to admit my feelings for Kazuhira Miller.

For 9 years I had taken him for granted, but it was only after I thought I had lost him that I accepted my feelings.

After all, you don't know what you have until you lose it, right?

 

_“If we fail, and he dies, we lose our chance for revenge”_

Those were the words I told Big Boss.

 

When I knew he had been captured I had to restrain myself. Big Boss had to save him, not me. That was his mission.

The monitor showed the small village while the sun was setting over Afghanistan.  
“You’ve reached Gwandai. Miller must be somewhere around.” I informed him through radio. Miller and I would work together like this, it was his idea actually, to be in touch through the radio while we were on missions. And now here I was, assisting _Venom_ _Snake_ , that is, Big Boss who came back to life.

“I’ll try to look around. There’s heavy guard.” Snake replied while the camera moved around. In only 10 days he was back on his feet, so fast, and he reached the village in only one day, definitely Big Boss was back.

After five hours of waiting, sneaking in and neutralizing a couple of guards, Snake was finally able to rescue Miller. And finally, once those strange creatures Miller called the Skulls disappeared, they were returning to base.

“We’re going back to base, but there’s a problem with Kaz….”

 

I sat at the Diamond Dogs Commander’s desk and put the radio aside. If _he_ dies… but Snake was able to rescue him alive. Though, he advised the medical team that Miller was… He was missing his right arm and part of his left leg. I walked to the LZ on the Command Platform while I thought about Kazuhira Miller. A part of me thought I would never see him again, what I never imagined is that Snake would come back with a broken man.

I couldn’t bring myself to ever imagine a broken Kazuhira Miller. Yet I did imagined countless ways in which I could had killed him, back when Zero forced me to cooperate with him. I did had my fun playing mind games with him, until it happened... one night after one of our usual arguments in which we threw some punches and kicks at each other, I took his face and I kissed him. And he kissed me back.

I wanted to be the one to break him, to have him at my feet. I knew Miller was a man who would let himself be carried away by his own raw emotions and feelings. Of course sex worked well with him, I found that fucking him was effective to keep his mouth shut and calm him, but I grew fond of him, even started to like him more than I expected… and I let myself believe that he really liked me.  
I wanted to be the one in control, but since the day I questioned my feelings for him there was no turning back.

 

My brain had too many excuses to hate him, to know better than to mess with John’s partner. But a part of me became addicted to him. He even made me question my infatuation for Big Boss. Whenever I was with John at the hospital, I was longing for the moment where I could be again with Kaz.

I used to despise him, but in the end I ended up liking him.

Isn’t life funny?

 

I ordered for the medic team to be at the landing zone of mother base of Diamond Dogs, the military group I helped build since I could pull Kazuhira Miller out of the miserable state he was into after having lost his private army and his partner, the Legendary Big Boss.

It’d been 9 intense years, almost a lifetime.

The chopper landed and Snake got off holding Miller. The traces of his torture could be read all over his body and I knew exactly what they had done to him, the _advantages_ of being an Interrogator Consultant to the GRU. I had to keep my eyes opened so I could make those images go away from my mind.

He was barely able to move and still, he was already planning his revenge. No doubt about it, his spirit was intact.

“Dogs of war, for nine whole years… that ends today…” he raised his left hand to touch his Boss’s face “Now you’re not sleeping, and we aren’t junkyard dogs… We’re Diamond Dogs.”

One of the doctors made him lean on the stretcher and put him an oxygen mask. I stopped him as this was important.  
“Let them talk”

They looked at each other, so intimately close that no one could step between them. Not even me.

 I stood there watching them and said nothing, even if my heart was breaking. Miller didn’t even look at me and when he was taken to the infirmary, Big Boss was at his side, not me. I should had been the one at his side. Still, I spent the rest of the day at the shooting range, between my bullets and gunpowder. That was the only way I could detach my mind from rushing to him and tell him that all this time I… No, as _she_ once told me, ‘ _love doesn’t bloom on the battlefield_.’ We knew it, even Snake.

It was night already when I decided to show up at the infirmary. Miller was still being checked by the doctors. Snake sat at a bench, waiting with his eyes closed, though I knew he was awake.

“Ocelot, did you see how…” there was anger in his voice. I knew he was taking the blame for Miller’s condition.

“I know.” I sat next to him keeping my voice low but strong. “Did he tell you anything?”

“Not yet.”

“That’s understandable.”

 

We sat there for what it seemed an eternity.

 

Big Boss looked so different, so _human_ . Since when did he waste his time sitting here doing nothing? The Big Boss I knew would had gone back to the field to keep himself busy. Or was it just because it was _him_?

Hadn’t I also spent my day doing nothing else than thinking about him?

One of the doctors opened the door and saluted us, we automatically stood up.  
“He’s stable, but still asleep due to the anesthesia. He’ll be alright, we’ll keep an eye on him.”

When I briefed Snake about these past 9 years, I limited the facts to the world news. I didn’t tell him about my relationship with his lover, which was now something of the past. Snake had the right to be there and I couldn’t do anything to avoid it. I had only borrowed Miller for a while, he was never mine to begin with.   

Snake entered the room first and I followed him. He sat next to him and grabbed his left hand, the only one he had left.

 “If only I had arrived earlier…” Snake lamented while he held Kaz’s hand with both his flesh one and his bionic one.

“He’s back with us, that’s all that matters now.” I said while I watched his aviators which were on the nightstand next to a pile of bandages and bottles of alcohol. “Boss, you know that eventually we have to talk to him about this. If he told them anything-”

“No, I know he didn’t tell them.” He interrupt me. He sounded angry, but I knew that anger wasn’t directed at me.

 

10 days and they couldn’t break his will. Of course, I couldn’t expect less from Kazuhira Miller.

 

There was a reason why I couldn't be on the field with him, I had already told Snake. I was still working for the soviets and I had to keep my role. There was nothing I could do, was there?

I exited the room and suddenly an unspeakable anger grew over me and I hit the wall hard with my fist, once, twice and again but I didn’t feel any pain. I leaned on the wall and sat on the floor, grabbed my revolvers and I made sure they were loaded.

I had to get away. I had to do something.

Snake looked at me surprised when I showed up at the infirmary again. Did he see my face?

“Boss, stay with him tonight. I have some business to attend… We’ll talk tomorrow.”

 He nodded and I took one last look at him before calling for the chopper.

 

* * *

 

I once thought that there wouldn’t be anyone who would made me feel what John did. No one. Until I met him. 

Pequod said nothing as he piloted one of Diamond Dog’s choppers back to Afghanistan. I’m not usually this quiet when travelling with him, he’s one of our oldest members and we talk about many things, from the weather to the food, but that night I didn’t want to talk to anyone and he noticed it.

I could have gotten myself killed and screw up the whole plan. All for him.

Fortunately, that didn’t happen and I got what I wanted. If someone asked I’d say that I needed to make sure Miller hadn’t talked about our plans, but according to his captors, they couldn’t get anything from him.

 

I watched the last one of them, their boss, twisting his body in agony while I held him handcuffed on the same spot Kaz had been held. Next to him, the broken bodies of his men laid on the floor. Some bled to death while the rest took a taste of my bullets and sharp knives.  Soon their dead bodies would begin to stink.

“What was the point of keeping him alive then? If you knew he wouldn’t talk. Was it to lure Big Boss here?” I walked in circles, stalking him like a lion, my spurs ringing.

The man whimpered and kept his mouth shut.

“Why would you go that far for him?” I crouched next to him and dig my blade on what was left of his right arm which I sliced from him.

“H-he was his… Big Boss’s girlfriend. Miller was o-our ticket to B-big Boss.” The man smirked while he tried to ignore my blade on his flesh.

“You really believe in love stories? Didn’t you… have fun with him?” My eyes flashed and I wanted to slice his cock. I needed to know if they had taken advantage of him.

“Are you sick? That’s not our style…” The man laughed nervously, of course this was coming from someone who wasn’t able to see beyond, a man with no vision.

“But I bet you liked him, huh? The only guy with blond hair, handsome face and an exceptionally nice ass.” I stood up and put my boot on his crotch, putting pressure to his throbbing cock. “You never thought of having a taste of him? To have him on his knees begging for you to do it? And once you are inside him you push and push yourself even deeper, making him feel who’s the boss around here. Or what about making him suck your cock and then drink your filthy cum? I thought that was a common practise here but… Right, you are too old-fashioned for that.” I tried so hard to smile but I felt so furious that I couldn’t even fake it. 

“ _Shalashashka_ , you sound as if you _had_ him before, I see now. This is your personal revenge against us. So unlike you.” The man twitched his face in a mix of agony and amusement.

 “Don’t get confused. I’m trying to know what the hell you did to Kazuhira Miller.” I removed my boot from his crotch and I tore open his pants with my knife, leaving his semi hard cock out. “Come on, don’t tell me my words are turning you on. You did find him attractive.” The blade brushed the skin of his length and he tried in vain to back off.

“Okay stop. I.. We tried to fuck him, but he was…”

I put slight pressure on his cock, just a little more to cut his sensitive skin.   
“This is your chance to speak if you don’t want to end up like your men.”

“He was already wounded when we find him. We stopped the hemorrhage of his arm but… We couldn’t touch him or he’d die.”

“So you couldn’t fuck him because he’d bleed to death…. How cute. But that didn’t stop you from torturing him, huh? you know who I am, you can’t lie to me, I know how your methods work. Why didn’t you fuck him?” I was getting tired of this, I needed to know if they dared to touch Kaz.

“He was attacked by the skulls, we didn’t want to…. We couldn’t touch him… Did you see his eyes?” the man stuttered and there was fear in his face as if he had seen a ghost.

That made me think, they thought Kaz had caught something and that’s why they wouldn’t stick their cocks inside him? How can that be possible? The only explanation I could think of was that they feared the skulls as well… what about his eyes?

“Why did you torture him?”

“We needed to know Big Boss’s location.”

“What about the skulls? What do you know about them?”

“I don’t know anything” the man evaded my eyes. He did know something. “You said you’d release me if I told you about Miller, not about the Skulls.”

“I’m done talking to you then.” I put my knife away and withdrew one of my revolvers.

“Why would _Shalashashka_ go this far for Big Boss’s man? Don’t tell me you are in love with him?” The man smirked, it seemed he had nothing else to lose and he knew it.  
  
“That’s not a dead man’s business.” I shot him to end his misery. How dared he? Me? In love with him? No one had ever said that to me. It didn’t matter what a random soviet officer would think of me anyway.

 

In the end, I tortured and killed them all, but it didn’t soothe my pain nor it would give Miller his limbs back… nor it wouldn’t make him come back to me.

 

“ _He didn’t tell them anything._ ” Were Big Boss’s words.

Of course. I knew his will was unbreakable but after all, men are made of flesh and they break, all of them. Why didn't he break? 

It made me wonder if he really let me had my way with him, back then when I seduced him and took him to bed. How many times had I thought that I was able to break him, but after questioning those bastards, I realized that he allowed me to take him.

I wondered why, was it because he was lonely and needy just like me? Did he really like me or did he close his eyes and imagine I was Snake all this time? No, there was a part of him that wanted to be with me. That’s why there was a time when he used to call me Adam.

 

You bled 10 days for Big Boss, Miller. Would you bleed for me too?

 

Pequod remained silent when I got on the chopper, all covered in blood, smelling like gunpowder. He always knew there was something going on between Miller and I. He was recruited by Miller when he… _we,_ started Diamond Dogs.

“Pequod, do you think you can keep another secret?” I gave the pilot my best charming smile.

He nodded. But I wondered how long would it take for him to keep Snake’s secrets too.

 

* * *

Miller spent a full week unconscious. The doctors said it was for the best as his wounds would hurt as hell. Better for him to be unconscious just for a little longer.

Those nights I just sat next to his bed holding his hand. Just as I had done with John before, whenever I could visit him at the hospital. Even so, there was a time I couldn’t stop thinking about Miller, even if I was holding Big Boss’s hand.

I never thought I would had to live this again, and with Kaz….

Frankly I don’t think he remembered that I was there at all. One night when I arrived at his room, he had awoken and was sharing an embrace with Snake. I didn’t want to step between them so I left.

The days which followed I just focused on doing my job, we would eventually see each other again but at different circumstances. Not as rivals, not even as lovers, just as business partners.

 

The day of his discharge from the medic bay arrived and I couldn’t stop myself from seeing him. Snake was away on the field and asked me to help Miller in case he needed anything. I couldn’t refuse but I didn’t think I could keep the promise Miller and I made when Snake woke up. Not to _be involved_ anymore.

When I entered his room, he was sitting on his bed with a fresh green shirt and pants. His trademark aviators were still on the nightstand.

“Hey” I just said to him. After all this time and just a ‘ _hey_ ’? What the hell was wrong with me?

He got mad the moment he saw me.  
“You didn’t come to see me, I thought you’ve already forgotten about me. I’m not dead, you see? I can still fight.”

His spirit was indeed unbroken, but there was something about his tone of voice that caught my attention as if he was accusing me of abandoning him.

“I’ve been busy.” I lied.   
Busy trying to be like you and run this place while trying not to think the worst would happen to you. To think that I had to rescue what was left of Big Boss from a hospital in flames and babysit him for 10 days until he was ready. And on top of that, I sent him to rescue you, so you and him could start over… Even if that meant losing you.

“Liar. You didn’t want to see me. Don’t you like what you see now? Well, tough luck, this is all that’s left of me.” He was clearly holding it against me. I couldn’t blame him, he came back from Hell, and bitter.

How could he say that?

I grabbed his shoulders and I gripped him, I was mad and his light eyes opened in surprise. 

“You don’t have any idea how… Nevermind.” He was still looking at me and I focused on bringing my composure back and act cold. “It’s not easy to do your work. Definitely I’m not fit to be the commander. Too much paperwork to do, I couldn’t come to see you before.”

“It’s not easy to be me, heh? Now that you know what it is like I’m expecting some _appreciation_ from your part.” He pierced me with his look, his eyes lighter than usual.

“You want appreciation from my part?” I smirked at him while I closed the distance between us.

 

Before I realized it I was sitting on the bed kissing him.

 

I got carried away and I lifted his shirt, touching his skin and bandages. He grabbed my wrist and sat on my lap then we continued kissing. He tasted like medicine but his sweet scent still lingered. I grabbed his waist and lowering my hands I put them inside his pants and grabbed his ass. We kissed for a while until the next step was unavoidable.

He quickly stood up trying to balance himself on his new leg prosthetic and took his pants off, there were more bruises and scars on his body than I thought.

“I don’t want to hurt you.” I said while I shifted my weight on the bed and tried to hide my hard on, even if my eyes were glued on his still perfect body. 

“I’ve been tortured for 10 days and you think your cock’s gonna hurt me? Come on Ocelot, you’re not acting as yourself.” There was a mix of anger, impatience and arousal in his voice. He was right. I was so overwhelmed that he was back that I had let my guard off and my mask fell. I couldn’t show him my weakness.

I pulled my pants down and grabbed him, putting him back on my lap. He grabbed my neck and kissed me while I shoved fingers inside him.

If he wanted it to hurt, it was going to hurt.

He growled impatiently and once he was stretched enough I put my cock and pushed myself inside him hard and fast. He rested his head on my shoulder and trembled. He was tight and that was a relief. His captors did not rape him, just as that bastard confessed to me before I killed him… I was glad all of them were six feet under thanks to me. 

“Did you miss my cock this much?”

 

_Did you miss me at all, Kaz?_

 

I gripped his ass and pushed even deeper inside him. I stopped and grabbed his hair, pulling his head to force him to look at me. Then I kissed him hard.

“You are an asshole.” He bit my lower lip and kept on rocking his hips. The sensation of being inside him while listening to his moaning was like a drug. After some minutes of forcing myself not to come, I couldn’t hold it any longer as his kisses on my neck and the rocking of his hips made me came inside him.

“You’ll have to help me now” he whispered at my mouth with his husky voice and while I held his waist with one hand I jerked him off with my other.

His eyes were half closed and I had the feeling that he didn’t want to close them or he’d feel he was still captured in Gwandai. I couldn’t believe that I had him back with me, even if he was mine for this time only.

Because this was going to be the last time.

 

We laid back on the bed for a while.

“Aren’t you gonna ask what happened back there?” His voice was bitter, as if I didn’t believe he didn’t tell them anything.

“I don’t need to. The Boss said you didn’t say a word.” I answered plainly. And I had already did my investigations back in Gwandai so...

“But that’s what he thinks. I’m asking _you_.” He turned to see my face, his eyes flashing. I was not prepared for his sudden questioning. He was in no position to do so, after all I should be the one questioning him. 

I trapped him with my body on top of his and I grabbed his throat.

“Tell me Kazuhira, did you let them break you?” My tone of voice could have had made anyone piss on their pants, but he didn’t flinch and smirked at me while he pushed my hand away from his throat.

“No one can break me.” He said while he sat up on the bed to fix his clothes and hair. “Except you, Adam.”

I wasn’t prepared to hear that. I was thinking on fucking him again but I heard footsteps coming down our way so I jumped out of the bed and fixed myself too.

Three knocks, we knew who it was. Big Boss opened the door and his expression changed for a second. Of course he knew what we did, the smell of sex was stronger than the smell of medicines.

 

“Hey Snake, I thought you said you couldn-” Kaz gave him a false smile while he fixed his shirt, trying to hide the traces of our encounter.

“I see you two are really getting along fine. That’s good. I’ll wait for you outside Kaz, gotta let the doctors know that you’re ready.” Big Boss’s voice was sharp and he sounded uncomfortable.

Once he left I felt my heart beating faster. I let myself be carried away by my stupid feelings and I almost ruined the whole plan.

“We can’t do this any longer.” This time I was the one who put an end to this addictive relationship.   

“I know. Big Boss is back, we’re back on business.”

When I looked at Kaz, he was still wearing a false smile on his face.

 

The last time before this last time was in my room at Mother Base, some months ago while Big Boss was still in coma. 

_I put the phone back over the nightstand. Kaz was looking at me while his right hand rested over my chest._

_“He’s back” I just said, my voice emotionless._

_“I know”_

_“I have to go.” I said while I watched his expression. A mixture of surprise, anger and anxiety._

_Kaz removed his hand from my body and attempted to leave the bed. I stopped him by grabbing his both wrists and pushing him back to the bed under my body._

_“Then let’s fuck for the last time, Kaz.”_

 

Okay, maybe this time at the infirmary was the last time.

I tried to help him walk but he didn’t want to. He was too proud to let anyone help him so I just walked alongside him. Big Boss was waiting for him together with the medical team staff and some other random staff members.

I lost sight of him when they all gathered around him and I felt lonely. Time to get back to the mission.

 

I shoved the men aside and offered my hand to Miller.  
“Glad you’re back on your feet Commander.”

He looked into my eyes and I felt my heart beating fast.  
“I’m glad to be back.”

He smiled at me and I catched a strange spark on his damaged eyes. As if he was about to cry.

Or maybe I was the one who was gonna cry.

It was the most false handshake of my life.

 

* * *

After that day, we didn’t say anything, we just took distance. I didn’t know how to act around him now that Big Boss was back with us. I knew they needed their space, so I focused on training recruits, gathering intel and training the puppy the Boss brought back from Afghanistan. 

I tried to get away from Miller but the puppy always found a way to sneak and go to his office. It’s said that animals have the power to calm the human mind and they can drive demons away. In the case of Miller, it did help as a therapy. I knew he was evading me too.

Now that his partner was back, why would he want to be with me anyways?

“DD! Come here!” I ran at the small dog but he somehow could get inside Miller’s office, leaving the door open.

When I peeped through the door, Miller was… smiling and petting DD who was on his lap. I had never seen him like that.

“Ocelot, I know you are there. Did you come for your dog?” Kaz said softly but with a mocking tone and waited for me to accept his implied invitation.

“My dog? I think he already made his choice” I crouched next to him and petted the dog too. Our hands touched but neither him nor me made any attempt to move away. Any wrong movement and it was game over, but I took the chance and grabbed his hand. “How are you feeling?”

He held my hand and remained still. The dog relaxed and closed his eyes.

“Don’t move or you’ll wake him up.” He said with a fake grin on his lips.

“Liar. Just because you like having me on my knees, huh?”

Come on hit me, I deserve it.

“Maybe” he answered as if he was lost in his thoughts. Was he serious? I repeated my question.

“Do you like having me on my knees, Miller?” I was giving myself to him, what I was thinking? 

He lowered his head to look at me and, removing his hand from my hand, he placed it on my head and caressed my hair.

“Isn’t this what you do best?” He challenged me. It always came down to this, the bickering and struggle for control.

“Careful, you already have a dog in your lap. And I’m not talking about the puppy.”

No, you know I’m talking about the Boss.

He released my hair and slapped me. “Then take your dog and leave, I still have work to do.”

I took the dog from his lap and exited his office smirking. I had it coming after all.

 

* * *

 

“I want you” was what he whispered to me.

He’s drunk. Definitely.

But let me see his real him again, the one that’s always hidden between all those layers of anger and bitterness he had been growing all these weeks since he was rescued.

I was the one who insisted Snake to consider the monthly parties, now that one of our main enemies was dead. Even so, staff morale was low so this would definitely help to boost it.  
Once Snake approved the idea I was left alone with Miller. My body moved on its own and I seduced him again. Honestly I had nothing to lose at that point. But he didn’t fall for me, he had Snake back after all.

That night at the party I wasn’t really expecting anything more than drink a few beers, do some human interaction to know what the recruits were up to, and go to sleep.

After our backs and forths, my pointless attempts to flirt with him and push him away at the same time, I didn’t expect he’d be the one to approach me. He threw himself at me and I caught him, I couldn’t help it but grab his waist as I used to do before Big Boss….

 “I want you” he whispered again this time purring and hiding his face on my neck, giving me slow kisses.

Even in front of the Boss. Is he playing with me?I didn’t know what to do, I’m human after all and I was getting hard, there was no resistance training which could help me against him.

“Please Adam, make me remember…”

No, Kazuhira is not up for games anymore.

He put his hand on my back and shoved it inside my shirt, touching my skin, giving me soft scratches with his fingernails. He made me shiver while I watched him as he tried to seduce me with his body, I felt rather impressed that he would still choose me over Snake.

But I can’t do it, I thought. Not now that Big Boss is back.

He left my back and passed his arm around my neck to kiss my lips, and I kissed him back.

It was unavoidable.

Our kiss grew deeper and hotter. I couldn’t understand why he had so much control over me, even if I wanted to think that it was the other way round. I used to be in control of everything, but when it came to him, I couldn’t stop myself. I knew Big Boss was watching us but I couldn’t hold it any longer. Even if I felt his blue eye over me while I brushed my tongue with his and let him bit my lips to then lock our mouths in another deep kiss. I’ve been stopping myself too long.

I carried him to the exit of the Mess Hall while he was hugging me. Once we were outside he pushed me under the stairs and kissed me, moaning in my mouth while he grinded his body against mine. I was so hard that I wanted to make him mine again.

He must have felt me growing hard because he whispered “fuck me” to my mouth.  
“Miller, wait.” I removed his aviators and grabbed his face with my hands to look at his eyes. I wanted to know how drunk he was. “You are drunk, you know that? It’s me, Ocelot.” 

“I know it’s you dumbass. I can’t wait any longer.” he complained and that seemed sincere enough for me to continue. 

I didn’t say anything, I just carried him to my room and threw him on my bed. I wondered when was the last time I lost control? Right, the morning I fucked him for the last time.

The desire to take him was clouding my mind. I undressed him and licked his skin. His body was so familiar, just as I remembered, except for the missing limbs which were now part of who he was. I kissed the scar on what was left of his right arm.

 

You are still perfect to me.

 

He growled and passed his arm around my back, rocking his hips against my body. I was aware that he was drunk but I didn’t care. I was being egoist, I knew it. But just for that night I wanted to tell him what I never had the balls to tell him. That I... 

He clumsily unbuttoned my shirt and touched my chest. He hadn’t even touched my dick and I was already dying. He had been the last one I've been with, some months ago, I hadn’t had sex with anyone after him. How could I be with someone else? I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t get him out of my head.

 

I pushed him to my bed and took off his pants. He opened his legs for me as an invitation and I took him in my mouth. How I loved having him like this, aroused and going crazy because of me.

“Just look at yourself.” I whispered while I touched his legs, slowly going to his inner thighs.

Kazuhira Miller, Diamond Dogs Commander and Big Boss’s right hand. Feared by both his men and enemies, he may be hot headed and emotional, sometimes a cruel and cold blooded man who would not hesitate in torturing and killing someone just to get what he wanted.

Just like me.

No one could break his will.

Except me.

It made me want to break him.

 

I took the bottle of lube from my nightstand. It was the same one I used with him so it was half empty. I was going to throw it away but somehow I didn’t.

“Come on, what are you waiting for?”

“So needy, huh?” I smirked before resuming my work on his cock. I grabbed it and licked it slowly while I listened him complaining.  He grabbed my hair to push me deeper but I wouldn’t let him come so fast, I wanted to enjoy him as much as possible.

I put one lubed fingers inside him. Truth is I wanted to make him feel me, make him hurt… And he was tight.

Apparently I wasn’t the only one who hadn’t had sex in a while. Had I been his last one? I wanted to believe that was true.

 _How romantic, Adam_. I mocked myself and let go a forced laugh.

The room was so hot that I had to took all my clothes before pushing myself inside him. Suddenly he seemed to had changed his mind at my assault at him and tried to push me away but I grabbed his left wrist, pinning him to the mattress and putting my hand on his mouth. I’m sorry Kaz, it’s not your call anymore. No time for having second thoughts about it.

I won’t stop now. Was I so desperate that I had to force him? No, it wasn’t how I wanted this to be.

I thrusted myself deeper into him and he wrapped his legs around my waist while he growled, tensioning his muscles and making it difficult for me to enter him.  I removed my hand from his mouth and his expression was different, as if something had changed. Or was it my imagination. 

“Tell me you want this.” Why did I even bother? He was drunk and wouldn’t even remember this anyway. 

“Do it.” He didn’t hesitated, but it sounded more as a plea than an order. It made me question the fact that he was drunk, he sounded so sincere. I did as he ordered and he gasped once I was all the way inside him and I started to move again. How I missed him.

I let go his wrist and he wrapped his arm around my back, pulling me closer to bite my skin, just as I loved. I held him close to my body and I kissed him. But I wasn’t always like this, being romantic or affectionate towards another human who was not John was not my thing. But Miller was like a drug, I couldn’t explain what I felt for him but the need to be with him was greater than what I felt for John. This stupid blonde was only one who could take my loneliness away.

Will you be mine again?

“Adam,... I-” He didn’t say anything else and closed his eyes.

“Kaz, you are all I want, you’re my-....”

It didn’t matter, words were words. And he was drunk. Still, I hoped my declaration of love reached him somehow. I had been so impulsive with him that I hadn’t even thought about the morning after. What would he say if he woke up naked in my bed? Would he slap me and leave me? Would he regret it? Or would he… say ‘hey Adam I loved it please fuck me again’… huh, Of course not.

He cuddled with me and I buried my face on his neck. Then I asked aloud, more to myself than to him,  “why Kaz, why did you… why did you kiss me?”

“I missed you.” He answered still in his sleep.

 

I woke up and I remembered what I did to him while I covered my eyes with my hands, I let myself go and I failed to keep my promise. But he was to blame too, why the hell did he seduce me in the first place?

_“When Big Boss wakes up, we stop this.” He said while I undressed him until he was naked before me. My hands travelled through his skin and he shivered._

_“And why would I still want to fuck you if he’s back?” I whispered to his ear as he took off my shirt and my belt._

_“I hate you”_

_He shoved his hand inside my pants and grabbed my cock._

_He was upset but didn’t take his hand off my pants._

I left him alone the next morning. I was a little ashamed of myself as I couldn’t keep the promise we made. He’d figure out what had happened between us and I was ready to take the blame.

 

* * *

 

The next time we met he didn’t even look at me and I didn’t want to face him so I let it pass. But I wondered if he really remembered it all, and if he did, did he care about it or had it been something that was best to forget?

I tried to forget him, nothing was going to happen I told myself, but I was wrong.

 

Things cooled off until the next party. There were several new recruits under my training and they insisted me that I showed them some tricks with my revolvers. That helped me to distract myself from thinking about him. However, the staff cheered on me and that caught his attention.

Miller sat at a small table with Snake, they were too close, what would they be talking about? 

I was just going to ‘interrupt them’ when a group of men from the Combat team stopped me. They praised me before asking questions about Big Boss. Some of them were pretty new and there had been no time for formal introductions.

But my eyes were on him, and he was looking at me too. 

“Instructor, do you think you can introduce us to Big Boss?”

Right. I was talking to them, I had completely forgotten. It was my chance to be alone with Miller.

“Well, why not?” I smiled at them trying to be as friendly as possible. 

Their eyes seemed to spark at the sole mention of the boss. It was incredible the power he had over his men.

“I can arrange a meeting so you all get to meet him.”

 

They continued talking to me but I was distracted looking at them, why were they talking and looking at me? Was Kaz telling him that I took advantage of him while he was drunk? No, I don’t think he’d tell him about us, it was not convenient for any of us.

I needed Kaz, now. I stopped the men who were still talking about Big Boss.

“Listen, I’ll go get the Boss so we can make a toast for Diamond Dogs” I said pretending to be enthusiastic about it. That worked for them as some went to grab more bottles of beer for the toast. 

I slowly walked towards them, and I saw them.

 

Big Boss was kissing him, and Miller was kissing him back. Had I been wrong? Were they really involved in a relationship?

 

I continued to walk while I saw Kaz putting his arm around his neck, bringing him closer. I remembered having Kaz under my body, pleading for me to fuck him, and now he was kissing another man? I felt betrayed. Even if I knew this was how it was supposed to be. 

Me and him together? That was impossible.

“Sorry to interrupt Boss.” I tried to keep it cool but I was clearly annoyed.

They broke the kiss and Snake looked at me, was he challenging me?

I sighed and continued. “The men want you to participate in a toast.”  
  
“Alright... Are you coming?” He talked to Miller in a soft voice while he took his hand. I didn’t want to see their romantic scene so I glanced at the men who were gathering at a table with drinks.

“No, you go. The men want you to be with them. It’s your chance to get to know them better. I’m going to sleep.”  
For a moment my eyes locked with Miller’s, who shaked off Snake’s hand and grabbed his crutch.  
I couldn’t help but smirk. Sorry Snake, you’ll have to go and be the Boss with your men. Kaz is mine now.

“I’ll walk with you Miller.”

Snake didn’t say anything but gave me a piercing look and left. I shouldn’t had done that, I felt guilty but possessive at the same time. Kaz was mine and I didn’t want anyone else to kiss him. But I was mad at him too, because he kissed Snake back. They looked like the perfect couple and made me assume that they were probably dating.

  
“I can walk by myself. I don’t need you.”

 Is he mad because I interrupted him? But for a moment when our eyes locked I thought I saw that something had changed in the way he looked at me.

Still, I felt angry and betrayed. I knew I didn’t have any right to do so but I couldn’t control myself. I grabbed him and took him out of the party. He complained and barked at me while I was trying to cool off. I didn’t care if he was indeed dating Snake, I wanted to fuck him and feel he was mine.

“Are you mad that I interrupted you?” 

“Maybe” he said. Of course he was mad, instead of getting laid with Snake he got me.

I wanted to break him.

“I can fix that.” If there’s something I’m proud of, is my self control. But when it comes to Kazuhira Miller, I lose it. Maybe I was too rough, but I didn’t care. I pinned him to the wall and bit his neck, so hard that I could taste his blood. I wanted to have his body, soul, blood, everything.

He tried to kiss me and I remembered he kissed Snake. It reminded me that he hadn’t chosen me and that I was no match for Big Boss. If Miller was dating Snake, why did he look at me like that? Why didn’t he stop this between us?

If sex is the only thing that you want from me I’d make sure you remember me.

“No kisses, this is just sex.” I smirked at him. I couldn’t let him notice that I cared about him, that he was my everything. I wasn’t important enough for him, that was clear because he chose to kiss Big Boss.

“Don’t worry. I don’t like you either.” He was so cold.  
  
You can be cruel too, Kazuhira.

  
“I know. So you can just close your eyes and think I’m him.” I said while I unbuttoned his shirt.

“And who will you be thinking about?” He asked with a mixture of lust and hate. Was he playing with me?

Of course I only think of you. Always.

 “Hn, that’s none of your business. Now turn around, I know you’ve been waiting for this.” You’ve been waiting for me, I knew that. Snake wasn’t a sexual person, he only cared about war… But the way he touches and kisses Kaz makes me think that he cares about two things: war, and Kaz. It infuriated me in some way. 

I licked his neck while I lowered his pants and touched his ass. He was beautiful, the only one who made me lose my mind.I bit his skin and entered him. I wanted to leave marks on his skin. If Big Boss got to see them, he would know that it was me.

Now that I think about it, it was a reckless act, challenge Big Boss? Had I lost my mind?

I touched his body as if it was the last time I’d have him. But then again, maybe it would be the last time and the need to possess him was so strong that I thrusted inside him too hard, too needy.

For some minutes I thought this was like we used to be, rough and desperate with each other.

“… Don’t… Don’t come inside me.” He managed to say while he grabbed my hand.

“What if I do?” I didn’t stop, I couldn’t do it. But he pushed me away after some struggle, and it made me pull out of him. I wanted him, but I wouldn’t force him. That was not part of our game.

“Only my partner can do that.”

 

That was like a knife to my heart. Of course, I was not his partner.

I leaned my hands against the wall, trapping him while he was fixing his clothes. I was still with my shirt and pants opened.

“You never seemed to mind that before.” My anger was clear and he knew it.

“Well, I do now.”

What’s gotten into you, Miller? And I suddenly remembered. Is he mad because I didn’t want to kiss him? He wouldn’t mind cheating on Snake and letting me fuck him and still he wanted me to kiss him?

  
“Is it because of what I said earlier?” I wasn’t smiling anymore, he didn’t answered and ordered me to move out of his way.

 

This is how the thing we have ends, huh?

 

“Just so you know Miller, kissing is what couples do.” I fixed my clothes and tried to put my still hard dick back on my pants. He should go and kiss his _partner_ and not me.

  
“You’re right, and we are nothing.” He was mad and cruel. He wanted to hurt me and he did it.

He wasn’t always like this with me, so cruel and cold… I was the one who wanted to break him, but that night he destroyed me. I didn’t want to talk to him anymore. No one had ever rejected me like that. Without saying anything else I left, not even turning back to see his face because I couldn’t stop the tears running through my face.

 

When was the last time I cried? Oh, right…. when John left me for him.

 

How ironic.

 

 

 


	2. Trying to win you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You won't have anyone better than me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing pov stories is interesting because you get to see one character's feelings, thoughts and fears. Since you are limited to viewing the world through his eyes you don't know what's going on inside other character's heads. That can lead to surprises.  
> Technically if you read 'Something changed' you know Kaz's feelings and how this is gonna end. The versions are slightly different as I include new interactions on Ocelot's side but they definitely complement each other. 
> 
> I'm aware that Pov stories are not welcomed by everyone but I'm writing this for myself and I wanted to share this with other fans, if you enjoyed it as well feel free to let me know :)

_"We are nothing"_

 

I felt defeated. There was nothing I could do to have him back. Miller made his choice and would stay with Snake. It was for the best, there was no way he would prefer me over him, why would he? He had the Legendary Soldier as his partner, did I really think I could have a relationship with him? I’m no 'boyfriend material' whatsoever, and it wasn't the time to fool around. 

I wished I could had continued loving Snake. I had long ago accepted that my love for him was one sided and was ok with that. After all, he never promised me anything. 

Yet, with Kazuhira there had always been an untold promise that something more could happen, that he and I could be more than business partners. The time when we called ourselves by our names and I deceived myself into believing I was the only one for him, but truth is Big Boss was his everything.

How could he break my heart in just one night? My abilities as a spy helped me pretend nothing happened or would ever happen between us, though it was easier saying it than doing it, every time I saw him it was harder and harder to pretend.

 

On top of that and even when a few days had gone by when I was trying to accept that we were indeed nothing, the staff still talked about the party, specially about Commander Miller’s behavior towards me. Diamond Dogs was a military base, still that didn’t mean  there were no rumors. Specially about Miller and I.

 _Commander Miller cornering Ocelot and shoving his tongue inside his mouth, kissing him. Ocelot grabbing his ass putting his hand inside his pants while he kissed Miller back. Ocelot 'stealing' Commander Miller away to fuck him in his room._  
Yes, those were the 'rumors', of course they got bigger and bigger like a snowball and I betted they'd soon say we fucked in public at the party. Next time I may as well do it just to shut them up, I thought and I grinned.  
  
I also betted Miller broke many hearts that night. He could be a paranoic, driven by revenge man, but he was most of the times reasonable and he worried about his staff. Not only that, he was handsome and still kept his fine looks. He had many fans, and I realized that I had fans myself, specially among the teams I supervised as Tactical Instructor. But it was natural that one would fall for their mentor... I myself ended up in an infatuation for Big Boss when I met him. 

  
The female staff would speak about ‘Team Miller’ and ‘Team Ocelot’.  When I caught them talking about that, it was even funnier.

“What’s so funny?”  They knew I was near, they heard my spurs and tried to pretend they were gossiping about something else. I leaned on the wall and made one of my revolvers spin. “So girls, are you Team Miller or Team Ocelot?”

They answered ‘Team Ocelot’ of course.

“Good, because I’m Team Miller.” I said and grinned looking at their surprised faces. “Never liked having too many rivals. I want him for myself.”

Take it a joke, as a lie or truth, take it as you want, I thought. I didn’t really care.

  
I knew I crossed the line with that comment. The next day everyone thought we were really having an affair. I imagined it would affect his relationship with Big Boss so I decided to apologize to Miller.  
The best was to wait until late at night when he’d be tired and wouldn’t have energy to argue with me, I turned around the corner to his office and he was hugging Snake.

Just what I wanted to avoid.

With all my stealth I tried not to make any noise, but when I was about to leave, their conversation caught my attention.  
  
“......you remember what we had before I…” Snake's voice was low, he was caressing Miller’s hair and they were watching the stars.

 _How romantic_ …

I was being sarcastic and masochist as well. Why did I stay? To watch how they confessed their mutual love? And he was about to kiss him. I had to go, now, I thought. Still something made me stay. I wanted to listen to what Kaz had to say.

“Snake, I… There’s someone else I like…” his voice was weak, almost shy.

Someone else? Snake did not answer for some seconds. I couldn’t believe that he had been rejected and I imagined he didn't believe it either... I also wondered who could be Miller’s love interest. My egoist heart told me it was me.

Snake’s voice Interrupted my thoughts.

“I knew you liked him, even if you wouldn’t tell me.” He sounded disappointed, I didn’t blame him.

“I’m still with you Boss. I’ll never leave you and… I’m sure he won’t leave you either.” Kaz was feeling like shit, I could sense that.  He was trying in vain to fix what he'd done. Not only he broke my heart, but also Snake's heart, how he dared?

  
I was indeed surprised. For 9 years I thought he was crazy about Big Boss, how could he possibly be dumping him? I left the spot where I was hiding and tried to run away from them feeling worse than I thought, my heart was beating fast, but I felt nauseous at the same time so I stopped behind a Diamond Dog’s container and I let myself fall to the floor while I leant on the cold steel. I sat there and took a cigar. Really I didn’t usually smoke but I needed to distract my mind. My hands were clumsy while I tried to light it, I needed to calm down and think.

Come on now, since when was I behaving like a stupid teenager? This was a military base, not a high school. I couldn’t help but wonder….

How did I not see it?

My anger had blinded me and deceived me into believing that Kaz and Big Boss were actually…. But what if there was someone else? Think, think Adam. I told myself. Who had the power to make Kazuhira Miller dump Big Boss?

  
I spent the following days trying to read his movements, stalking him to try and find if there was someone else besides Snake and me. Any man or woman, I was not really sure but I made sure to watch everything, but found nothing.

It was time to move from my rather comfort zone and this implied me stripping away from my many masks. When all’s said and done, the one thing that remains in my mind is showing him my raw emotions.

* * *

A week later I decided it was time I did something about it, I could handle him being with the boss but I couldn't let anyone else have him.

We watched Big Boss leave on the chopper, sometimes he’d leave the base to do some scouting so it was perfectly normal. But this time was different, I’m sure he wanted to be alone and think… Or rather not to think about anything.

“Miller, have a minute?”

He looked slightly surprised. We haven’t really talked since the last party and things between us were cold.

“Make it quick, I have work to do.” He answered coldly, just as expected  

“Busy man, huh?” I approached him, just close enough to make him feel uncomfortable while I caught a glimpse of one of the female staff grinning at us before I faced him.  
“Listen, from now on I’ll help you in the morning and night. I know you kicked me out of it but.. it’s best that I take care of you.”  
Pathetic. I hesitated and I made myself look weak in front of him.

Kaz didn’t move any inch away from me, but he was still bitter. “Who do you think you are to decide something like this without asking my opinion first?”

I got myself together and calmed down. Then I got even closer to him and I made him back up, but I put my arm around his back to prevent him from escaping and I talked softly  with a serious tone to his ear.  
“This is for your security. We can’t have some random staff assist you. I don’t trust them enough so I prefer to do it myself and that'll be the end of this talk, whether you like it or not.” Good, my confidence was back.  
  
He looked like he was holding his breath and relaxed under my touch. Good boy.

“Ok, ok. Just let me go.”

I knew that he meant the contrary, I didn’t want to leave him but I knew that I was eventually going to get what I wanted.

“I see you tonight then.”

 

  
That night I waited for him in front of the door of his office. He opened the door and made a surprised face.

“What? You thought I was joking? Here I am as I promised.” I smirked while I showed my hands in the air.

“I never expected anything from you.” He said while he locked the door, avoiding looking at my face.

Liar. I wanted to take him, to make him say that I was the one he liked, but honestly I was scared that he’d reject me, that there would be someone else besides me or Snake. Just thinking about that made my blood boil.

 _‘I knew you liked him_.’ Were Big Boss’s words. I wanted to believe he was talking about me.

We walked to his room, me with my hand on his back.

“You don’t need to do this, I don’t want your pity.” How could he say that?

“I’m not pitying you. There’s practically nothing to pity you about.”

“If this is your idea of making me feel better with myself then it’s not working.”

No, it’s too soon. I thought and decided to keep my mouth shut until we arrived at his room. I could tell he was nervous by how he clumsily tried to open the door.

He didn't complain when I grabbed his hand and the key. “Let me do it”.

We entered the room and he sat on the bed while I hanged his coat and his beret on the coat stand. Then I put water on the kettle and sat at a chair opposite to him.

"Then, why?"

There was silence, neither of us spoke until I broke the silence and changed the subject.

“Hard day, right?”

He must have understood that it was best not to talk about this.  
“Pretty rough. Remember that guy from the Combat team who started a fight yesterday? I had to send him to the brig.”

“Did he…?” I stood up. The thought of someone hurting him made me mad.

“No, he didn’t do anything to me. I pointed my gun at him and…” He sighed a little uncomfortable. “I almost shot him.”

I smirked. This is why they feared him. The man he was talking about was big, like Snake.

“Why that doesn’t surprise me? Tell me Kazuhira, why didn’t you kill him?”

Kaz leaned on the bed, his pose was quite inviting. But tonight was not the right time, I had to test waters. Last time I tried something with him I ended up hard and unable to cum. His voice was upset, almost disappointed.

“The Boss wouldn’t allow it. He’d say the man deser-”

“-deserved a fair trial, huh? I should have imagined.”

He smirked at me while I went to grab two cups to pour some tea.

“You can be as cruel and cold as me, that’s why we’re made for each other. Don’t you think so?”

“I didn’t have you for the romantic type, Adam.” He was mocking me with that sexy smile, taking me back to the 70’s, when we used to seduce each other with each comment.

I love playing with you.

“Oh but I can be _romantic_ , if it’s with you, Kaz. And you know it.” I put my cards on the table, this is the game I want to play and I’ll win you, Miller. 

He didn’t say anything else and even at the dim light of his room I knew his face was red. I was expecting more bickering but we drank the tea in silence.

When we both finished, I took the cups and left them over the desk.

“Don’t worry, I’ll clean this up tomorrow.”

“I told you, you don’t have to-” his voice was weaker, like a puppy. I won this round.

“But I want to.”

When I turned to look at him he was already taking his clothes off. Probably he wanted to do it quickly before I tried something more than just a change of clothes.

Not tonight. I helped him to put on his pajamas.

“Are you blushing?” I asked him, but I already knew he was. It was my way of letting him know that I was aware that he liked this, but he wasn’t the shy type, then why now? Why does he feel ashamed of showing his body to me? I know every inch of him better than anyone else.

Even where his new scars are.

“Just… get out already and let me sleep.” He covered his face with the bedsheets.

I had to suppress the urge to jump at him and made a mental note that I’d be there to take them off first thing in the morning.

I walked to the door and he talked again looking at me. Still blushing.

“So, I suppose you’ll be here tomorrow morning, right?” His voice still sounded like a puppy, I put my hand on my mouth so he wouldn’t see me grin.

“Of course”

He was about to say something but he regretted it.

What if I asked him to let me stay? No, it’s too soon.

“Do you want me to wrap you up?” Okay, I couldn’t help it. I love hitting on him.

“You wish.”

“Good night then. See you tomorrow.”

I left his room and I went to my room to get a cold shower.

* * *

 

The next morning I entered his room slowly, trying not to make any noise with my spurs. He was sleeping on his back with his hand over his chest, his shirt was folded upwards and his stomach could be seen. He still had slightly marked abs, even if he wasn’t doing any exercise

I removed my gloves and couldn’t resist but placing my hands on his stomach, his skin was warm. I trailed my fingers through his scars and I kissed them. He didn’t seem to mind it and placed his hand on my head, entangling his fingers on my hair. Was he awake? I looked up and he was still asleep.

My kisses went down until I reached his pants. I stopped and with my hands I slowly lowered them and kissed his still sleepy cock. What was I doing? It didn’t matter to me at that moment. I licked him and then I put it in my mouth, giving him a slow blow job.

I listened to his moaning while he pushed his cock deeper in my throat.  
“Shit… Ocelot what… what are you…?”

“Good morning. Shut up and enjoy this.” I smirked at him while I jerked him off with my hand and passed my tongue through his length. He covered his eyes with his hand and rocked his hips, he was close. I released his hard cock and after removing his pants I lifted his legs and licked his entrance, still listening to his moaning and complains.

“Stop…” he sounded ashamed, but I knew him too well to know that he didn’t want me to stop.  
After all this time, are you still shy with me Kaz?

“Are you sure you want me to stop? Then why did you open your legs for me?” I challenged him while I lowered my pants and touched my dick while he was watching me.

“Then finish what you started” Kaz was now inviting me to fuck him while wearing a sleepy face. I grabbed his wrist and I entered inside him.

This was wrong, I knew it. Kaz wasn't fully awake and I took advantage of him, but I learnt that he only told me the truth when he was either drunk or sleepy.

“I won’t finish this for you, you’ll have to come while I’m fucking you.”

Kaz growled and frowned, but gave me a challenging look while I thrusted inside him. He closed his eyes and I felt his body relaxing under mine.

“You’ll have to try harder if you want to make me come.”

Finally he was waking up. I couldn’t miss the chance to show him how well I could perform and I made sure I was hitting his prostate at the right angle hard and fast. I knew how he liked it and I was proud of that.  
After some minutes he tensioned his wrist under my grip and his muscles while he cum over his stomach. Had someone ever made you cum like that, Kaz?

He told me before not to cum inside him, so I had to concentrate myself not to do it. I looked at him, he wanted to say something but could not speak. I didn’t want to risk him getting mad at me and leaving me not only unable to cum but unable to fuck him at all, I pulled out once he came and I did the same, over his stomach, making a mess. I was going to help him take a bath anyways.

He sighed and our eyes met for some seconds. I laid on the bed next to him to catch my breath but had to stay awake and move, I couldn't fall into temptation and cuddle with him on his bed.   
“Come on, time to have a bath.”

He didn't say anything and blushed as I sat next to him on the bed. I wanted to kiss him… but this was only sex, I’d already told him that. I wanted this to be something more, but I waited… Something’s changed in the way he looked at me, I knew it.

“That was…”  
This was going good, he looked like a tamed dog under my touch.

“You won’t have anyone better than me.” I said with my best charming and sexy voice.

No one will make you moan and cum like I did, Kaz.

He gave me a soft punch in my arm and stood up. “Don’t act so cocky.”

There were many rumors about us... One in particular about Revolver Ocelot taming Commander Miller, but maybe I haven’t tamed him after all. I smiled and followed him to the bathroom.

“I can do it myself” He gave me his back and sat on the stool in the middle of the bathroom. I opened the bathtub faucet to fill it with hot water and said nothing while I rolled up my sleeves.

I learnt that him pushing me away meant the contrary so I made sure I gave him a good bath. I pressed my body to his back, wrapped my arms around his wet body and kissed his neck.

“Ocelot, you are terrible…” He growled but didn’t move away from me.

The mere thought of losing him to someone else was killing me. He had to be mine.

There was indeed a chain of events which lead me to this. I helped him but to me it was really the opposite. He was helping me to calm down and made my loneliness go away. I felt broken, tired and I didn’t mind showing my weakness to him.

Am I too soft for you Kaz? Too romantic? Sorry, I can’t help it, this is how you make me feel.

I leant my chin on his shoulder and closed my eyes, he leant his head on mine and we sat there listening to the sound of hot water.

 

* * *

 

Snake was a little distant from us and that was understandable. I was in fact ashamed and felt as if I’ve stolen Kaz from him.

_But wasn’t that what you wanted in the first place, Adam?_

Trying to shut my mind off I went to the animal conservation platform. There was one animal in particular that I was interested in meeting. The rest of the animals watched me as I made my way through the place until I arrived at the big cage for felines, he was the only one of its kind. The big cat looked at me with surprise but then he assumed I was no danger and resumed his nap on the grass.

“Uninterested in humans, are you? You don’t know what you’re missing, they can be fun too, you know?” I made a mental note for Snake to try and capture another one, maybe a female?

While I was watching the big cat, I heard footsteps. He clearly wasn’t interested in being stealthy this time.

“ _Cute, but completely lacking the nobility of an ocelot_ ” I heard him speaking my own words. “that’s what you told me, remember?”

I stood up and smiled awkwardly at him. “Boss, what's up.”   
Did he say it on purpose? ‘ _Nobility_ ’ of an ocelot, no Snake, not when I’m fucking your love interest at your nose. I thought and tried to think on something else.

“I come here when I need to think. It seems I’m not the only one, huh?” Snake walked towards me and crouched to take a better look at the Caracal he captured some days ago in Afghanistan.

“Is everything alright?” I waited for him to talk.

“Some things changed, and that’s ok I guess.” He was still looking at the feline while he talked. He didn’t seem mad at me but after everything that was happening between the three of us I wanted to let him know that he and Miller were my family. I couldn’t leave him nor hurt him.

“Boss, you’ve been sleeping for 9 years and you came back to life. Of course things change, there’s nothing we can do to stop them.” I tried to sound calm and neutral. After all I didn’t feel like I’ve won Kaz over him, I still didn’t know if I was the one he lov-... The one he liked.

“Nor I can’t go back in time either. If only I had done things differently…” He looked down to his bionic arm before standing up and facing me. “Ocelot, you know what I’m talking about.”

I really wanted to know what was going on. Was he talking about Kaz, about himself or… What exactly?

I placed my hands on his shoulders. He had grown stronger and bigger. It seemed like yesterday when I rescued him from the hospital in flames. But he somehow reminded me of that young American soldier I met back in Tselinoyarsk, 1964. How long had I wanted to have you, only to watch you go away from me and end up building a PF military group with a playboy blonde for partner.  
How did I end up seeing you as something different? My love for you, Snake, is different. I can’t label it yet, but I do indeed adore you.

“I’m here for you and I’ll always be by your side. You know it, don’t you? Just… Talk to me ok?”

Talk to me Snake, even if I’m unable to confess what I feel for Kaz. I just wish there would be an easy way, that you’d let me try and make him happy. And also, that we can make you happy too. We are here for you after all, we are here to make your dream come true.

“Yeah, I know.” He placed his flesh hand on my own. “Sorry if I haven’t been myself lately. I’m glad I have you and Kaz.”

My expression softened. “Right. Always by your side.”

He smiled at me. It was a relief. But somehow the thought that this Snake wasn’t how I remembered came back to my mind, this Snake was more emotional. Something happened but my mind was drifting me away from that thought. This is what needed to be done, my head said and I didn’t dig further. After all, I liked dealing with this new Snake too.

“Ocelot, what about you? Is everything alright?”

“You know I’m always alright Boss. No need to worry about me.” Without thinking I was already deceiving him again. I’m good at being a spy, huh? Though sometimes I’d play my part just too perfectly well as to forget who I really am.

He turned back to the caracal who was still sleeping, but heard Snake moving closer and opened his eyes and looked at him with a cautelous look.

I crossed my arms over my chest.  
“These animals you capture, each one is unique. They’re like people, no one’s similar but they are all the same in the end. Like the wolf, for instance. If you show him trust, he’ll follow you to the end of the world, but don’t take him for granted, he can kill you too.” He looked at me and smirked. Of course, no one could kill the Legendary Big Boss. “But a dog's different. The man’s best friend...”

“Are you sure DDog’s a dog?” Snake was joking with me. DD’s breed was one of the favorite topics of conversation among the staff.

I laughed. Same story again.

Then, Snake talked about _him,_ as if he was something precious that needed to be protected. I knew it perfectly well, no one could step between them, not even me. What they had was beyond friendship, sex or even love. It was a deeper connection. I envied the Boss.  
  
“Kaz reminds me of him. If you show him trust, he’ll follow you to the end of the world.”

“No, he’ll follow _you_ to the end of the world. Just because it’s _you_ and no one else. He’s one of a kind, huh?” I pointed my finger at him to empathize my words.

Don’t let him go Boss, I thought. He means the world to me.

He pointed his bionic arm back at me.  
“That’s where you’re wrong. He’s following you, too.”

 

Maybe it was time to confess my feelings.

 


	3. No turning back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still not convinced about this one but here it goes!

The night that followed almost made me confess my feelings for him. Almost…

It had been 6 hours since we were working with the Intel team to find a key prisoner who wanted to escape the country, all of this while Snake was on an enemy camp. Apparently they had moved the guy we wanted to another cell, making it difficult for the Intel team to pinpoint his new location.

  
Miller hit his desk with his fist, he was clearly losing his patience "Goddammit, where is he?"

  
“I’ll have a look around.” Said Snake though the radio.

I didn’t say anything and just glanced at the map while Kaz kept on growling. He looked like an angry dog.

“The Intel we have is wrong, I can’t believe it. We had the latest information.” Kaz checked his idroid again. “Have we missed something?”

“Calm down, he couldn’t have escaped.” I made a gesture with my hand but there was fire in his eyes. If we weren’t in the middle of a mission I would had definitely done something about it, either by trying to calm him down or… Fueling his fire. I loved seeing him mad.

Kaz grabbed his temple and lowered his head trying to stretch the muscles of his back, he looked tired. “Boss don’t go sneaking around, they may spot you.”

“Actually it’s a good idea Boss, we can’t let him escape. According to our intel he has crucial information, try to see what you can find.” I knew I always disagreed with Miller, even though I’d been backing him up and agreeing with him these past weeks, this time I couldn’t be on his side as he was acting on his own whim.

“Ocelot! The Boss can’t move around through a heavily guarded enemy base, it’s just reckless.” Kaz raised his voice but not so as to yell, he wasn’t that desperate, yet.

“Miller we don’t have time.” I said raising my voice a little so as to be at the same pitch he was.

“Kaz, we can’t lose more time. I need to do something, let me try interrogating one of the guys.”  
Snake suggested while he was apparently moving through the grass.

“Can you tell Snake to stay on one spot? He’s not listening to me.” He tried to put me on his side, but I thought it wasn’t really necessary for Snake to stay quiet, after all these months after he had woken up he was pretty much ready for everything. Still, Miller kept on overprotecting him like always. They tended to be overprotective with each other.

“Let’s back him up on this. Boss, it’s your call.”

Kaz tossed the radio to the floor.

“I thought you’ve started to back me up on things like this... But you know what? It’s not the first time you’re screwing over my orders, why don’t you finish this by yourself?” those words were sharp, as if I had betrayed him.

This wasn’t looking good. I needed to stop Miller from arguing, or rather, bitching. Why was he in such a bad mood?

I stood up and placed my hand on his shoulder to try and calm him down, slowly going to his back.  
“Let me check with the Intel team.”  
The moment I touched him, he made a gesture like he was in pain.

“Get your hands off me.”  
_Nice try Adam_.

I called the frequency of my team and watched him touch his neck and take a deep breath. He was in pain, that was the reason of his bad mood then.

After reviewing the map for several minutes they confirmed that they found him. “Roger, send the location to his iDroid.”

“About time…. Boss, the Intel team will send you the location.” Miller sounded a little more relieved but was still not enough.

“Roger. I’ll stand by to study the best route.” Snake confirmed while he hid on an abandoned post.

I put my radio down for a moment.

“It’d be great if you could leave the bitching aside, it’s not necessary, you see? The Boss is doing what you wanted and he’s standing by.”

“And now you tell me what I can or can’t tell Snake? You’ll never understand what we-.” He was mad and bitter. I wanted him to take it all on me, to hit me so he’d not take it on Snake. I knew Miller wasn’t like this, either pain or something else must had been bothering him.

“I know.” I cut his words. “I know, I could never step between you and the boss. When it comes to him... I’m no match.” I shouldn’t have said that… it made me look weak.

“No match, huh? No match for Big Boss…” he seemed to be talking to himself, then he took his aviators off and glanced at all the maps and intel files scattered over the desk to evade my look. “Let’s leave it there.” He let go a false laugh and in my head I imagined him telling me that I was wrong.

I wonder what am I to you really.

He touched his neck again making a gesture of pain but when he saw me watching him he removed the hand.

“Are you sure you’re alright?” I put my hands on his shoulders and slightly massaged his hard muscles. His back was like a rock and he let go a small groan.

“We’re not finished with this mission yet.” He removed my hands and grabbed his radio from the floor.  
First attempt failed, but I got him to come back to radio support.

The more you resist the more I want you.

“You’re right. I barely touched you and you’re blushing already.” I released him and sat on the desk next to him.

“Shut up.” He barked at me, but then he smiled.

 

Two hours later Snake was able to complete the mission and was returning to base.

Miller removed his aviators and closed his eyes for some seconds. Then he grabbed a pen and started scribbling some reports.

“Isn’t it time for us to go to rest?” I crossed my arms over my chest and leaned my ass on the desk. Miller tapped the pen on the table and made a false smile.

“Us, you say? I’ll stay here I still have work to do. As for you, you are dismissed from my office. Go bother someone else.”

“Enough.” I said with a cold voice as I took the pen from his hand and grabbed his wrist with the other. Miller didn’t even struggle to free himself.

“You are more annoying than usual.” He said with a calm voice. I knew it was his way of testing our powers to see who snapped first. Of course it was always him.

“And you are more irritable than usual, Commander.”

“If you don’t want to put up with me you can leave the fuck away, the mission’s complete, we don’t need to stick together.” Miller freed his hand with a quick movement.

“I can’t let you go spreading your charming mood through all the base, the men don’t need to tolerate your bitching.”

“Just, go away, ok?”  
It was not only pain and bad mood, what was it then? Was he mad at me?

“You can’t fool me, Miller. Tell me the truth.”

“What truth? Can’t I be on a bad mood?”

I grabbed his left shoulder and touched his back.  
“Does it hurt?”

He growled in pain.

“Get away from me!”  
Kaz was acting indeed like a wounded wolf. He stormed away from his office and I followed him.

After we walked through the Command platform for a couple of minutes saluting guards, we got to a quiet spot near his room and he tried to hit me with his crutch. I dodged it, but he pushed me to the wall with his body and hit me on my stomach, making me growl.

Where did he get that strength from?

“Why do you keep on playing with me? Just leave me alone, ok?” His voice was rough but I could sense all his emotions as he was coming undone before me, all that anger and loneliness, I knew it perfectly well.

“I’m not playing with you. I told you before, we’ll stick together whether you like it or not.” I grabbed his crutch and before he lost his balance I took him by his waist and I carried him to his room.

 

When we arrived, Miller tried to fight me but only for a couple of seconds. He tried to hit me but I could dodge his careless attacks. I smirked and after some seconds of fight I removed his coat, holster and jacket and left them on a chair. Then I put his aviators on the nightstand. He sat on the bed and touched his tired eyes.

“You are unbelievable… I keep pushing you away and you insist… Even if I’m being a pain in your ass…” He smiled softly and watched me sitting behind him and pressing my chest to his back while I put my hands around his shoulders, caressing them for some seconds to then lower my hands and remove his tie.

  
“I know how this will end” He continued talking softly but still mad, and pretending to be uninterested.

“With me fucking you. That’s how you want this to end.” In one movement I made him turn and sit on my lap and his body followed my movements, his hand on my back gripping softly my shirt. Last time we were like this… It was at the medic platform, months ago.

He said nothing and leaned back onto my body, his head resting on the crook of my neck and his lips brushing softly my skin.

 

“Sorry.”

“What for?” I smiled softly, surprised.

“For being a bitch to you and Snake, I guess...” Now that his anger had somewhat cooled off he was beginning to realize how bad he had behaved.

My hands travelled slowly from his back to his ass.

“Apologize accepted, except that Kaz, you are my bitch.” I gave him a light bit on his neck and he shivered and relaxed a little bit under my touch. I loved being able to calm Kazuhira Miller down.

"Yours? Are you sure?" He whispered on my neck, I could feel his hot breath making me want to fuck him. 

"Yes, mine." I answered while my hands were now inside his pants, touching the warm skin of his ass cheeks.

He didn't answer me back but let go a soft sigh and let me help him take off his shirt.  
“Didn’t you offer to give me a massage?”  
His tone of voice was inviting and let me proceed with my seduction.

“So, you remember how I used to calm you?”

He didn’t say anything but smiled as I unbuttoned his shirt.

I worked on his back while I listened to his soft moanings, his muscles were rock hard and full of knots. How could he even work like this?

“Why do you waste your time with me?” His voice was low, like a puppy trying to get his master’s approval.

Because you and Big Boss are all I have. Isn’t it obvious?

“Why wouldn’t I?”

After several minutes my hands were beginning to hurt, I just hoped he felt better, his body was really telling me so.

He made a kind of moan and purr as he left my lap and stretched on the bed laying on his back, then he glanced at me like he was wanting more.

I was getting fired up already and pulled his pants off only to see he was also affected by my touch. He didn’t complain, I kissed his chest and sucked his nipples, earning more moaning until I reached his cock and started sucking him. Kaz was melting under my hands and I was sure all his anger and bad mood disappeared.

Well, of course.

I wondered how many people would had actually have the pleasure of seeing him like this? Giving himself away like a christmas present. Probably only Big Boss. Still, I yet wanted to see him taking control over me someday, if we continued like this I was sure I’d get to see him taking me. Kazuhira Miller wasn’t the type who would always surrender completely to another man, though I was sure he couldn’t do it with John.

None of that mattered now that I had him for myself.

“I don’t hear you complaining.” my lips were still brushing his cock’s sensitive skin.

“... Ng… I think I remember now… how you used to calm me…” that night Miller was more inviting than usual, this was good, it meant I could go on. “But I’m sure you can do better than that, or have you forgotten how?”

And now he was taunting me.

“I told you how this would end.” I smirked while I unfastened my belt.

Kaz laid on his belly, showing me his ass. I took that as a yes so I kissed his ass cheeks, leaving hickeys that no one else but me would see, then I opened his cheeks and licked his hole sticking my tongue inside him and preparing him using my saliva as lube. I put two wet fingers inside and slowly pushed deeper, moving in and out, feeling his hot spot right as I fucked him slowly with my fingers, stretching him as he relaxed while I continued to hit on his prostate.

Kaz looked so gorgeous, I placed my other hand under his body, grabbing his cock and jerking it while fingering him, making him lose control completely.

“S-shit, Ocelot...”

Oh Kaz stop talking to me like that or I’ll lose control.

“Maybe if you concentrate in me fucking you, you’ll forget about the pain in your back.” I lowered my pants to free my hard cock.

“Nice try, but you’re already making the pain go away.”

“How about feeling me inside you then? I don’t have any lube, do you think it’ll hurt?” I rubbed my cock on his ass and when he moved his hips up I spit on it and pushed myself inside him while he groaned, gripping the bed sheets.

He looked perfect on his back while I fucked him, trying so hard to suppress his moanings covering his mouth with his hand. I had him under my control after several minutes of pounding into his ass, but still I felt something was missing.

Pulling off I gave him an order. “Turn around I want to see your face”

He reluctantly turned around and looked at me with hesitation in his light eyes.

I opened his legs and entered him again. Being inside him made me feel weak but strong at the same time, I wanted to be his everything, to be the only one for him.  
He grabbed the back of my neck and brushed his lips to mine, waiting for my approval.

If I kiss you now, Kaz, there’ll be no more turning back, but then again I had never been able to control my feelings for you.

Finally, I gave in and kissed him, enjoying his warm mouth and tongue caressing mine. Would he take this as a love confession?

We remained locked in that kiss for several seconds, he was hungrily passing his tongue through my mouth and the kiss turned wet, a trail of saliva escaped his mouth as he moaned. I licked his lips and stopped to take my shirt off, then I leaned over his body and continued to kiss him while thrusting deeper inside him.

“Come inside me” Kaz whispered in a weak, almost shy voice.

Was this his declaration of love? We were going back to what we had before but something was different.

“...Kaz…”  
  
I hate you for making me feel like this. When I’m with you I feel all my masks fall down, leaving me naked, but I never felt more complete.

When I’m with you like this I don’t play any character, this is just me, I’m just Adamska, making love to you.

* * *

 

  
The next morning I woke up feeling his naked body pressed over mine. Closing my eyes I regretted this, but a part of me was glad that I stayed. How could I possibly let him go now?

I apologized for having stayed but he didn’t seem to mind, even if it was extremely late in the morning.

Once we were fully dressed I grabbed his chin and kissed him softly as I pulled our bodies together. What was happening to me? Our kisses were not like always, it was as if he was surrendering to me completely and let me have him, or was it the opposite?  
I was the one surrendering to him, for the first time I felt I belonged to only one person.

At that moment I realized something, could it be that I was in love?

 

It was late and we tried to leave his room quickly and unnoticed to start our duties, but  I never expected him to be waiting outside his door. I glanced at Kaz and I saw he was surprised too.

“I was worried you’d still be mad after last night and I came to check on you, but now I see it wasn’t necessary.”  
Snake crossed his arms around his chest and glared at us. No point in lying, it was clear that we had spent the night together.  
“Don’t tell me you overslept this morning, it’s so unlike you Kaz.”

I was expecting Big Boss to be mad, but he was actually mocking him. Since when was he so talkative?

DDog ran to Kaz wagging his tail waiting for him to pet him.  
“Yeah, I overslept.” Kaz tried to minimize the situation and blamed himself. No one would believe that Kazuhira Workaholic Miller would actually be so careless as to skip a morning of work.

“Boss, you kept us busy till midnight yesterday, remember? Speaking of which, today I’ll pay a visit to our new guest.” And there I was, trying to move the topic to the new prisoner I had to interrogate. Snake took so long to capture him that I was gonna make sure he paid for all the hassle we had to do to catch him.

“But I wasn’t the only one who kept Kaz _busy_ last night, right Ocelot? ” Big Boss was still smiling and I wondered if he was still mocking Miller or he was actually mad at me.

My smirk faded and Kaz let go a fake laugh.

“Laugh all you want Boss, when you leave the base I have to deal with this guy myself. Not fair, you know.” He pointed at me with his elbow, trying to sound as if he was actually bothered by my presence.

I frowned and smirked at his remark. I’ll show you how you can deal with me later.

“Whatever you say Kaz. It’s written all over your face anyways.” Snake glanced at me and then at Kaz.  
Sometimes the boss would be so oblivious when it came to feelings that he wouldn’t even notice when someone was flirting with him. And at times, like this one, he knew not only that we’ve spent the night together, but that something else happened between us.

Kaz blushed and left for his office. DD followed him behind.

Big Boss’s eye was still on me.

What gave me away? Was it my somewhat messed up hair? Miller’s love mark on my neck? The sensation that I still smelled like sex? Or the feeling that I was blushing?

  
I put my hand on my neck and adjusted my scarf while I tried to carry the conversation to the new training program I wanted to implement. I kept him busy for several minutes while we discussed the different approaches.

Snake lighted a cigar while he took some seconds to consider my idea.  
“Alright, sounds good. But you’ll need Kaz’s approval, though I don’t think that’s going to be a problem for you, huh?”

“I’ll talk to Miller.” I tried to sound as professional as possible.

He didn’t believe me one bit, but gave me a soft smile.  
“Anything else you wanted to tell me?”

I showed my hands in the air and looked at him with a serious face.  
“That’d be all, Boss.”

I knew he was no fool. Was he expecting me to tell him that I was fucking Miller? I had no interest in boasting that now I was the one in his bed every night.

  
We walked in opposite directions.

“Ocelot.”

I stopped but didn’t turn to face him.

“Don’t hurt him.” There was a tone of warning in his low voice.

I should had imagined.

 


	4. Do you want to be taken?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ocelot gets help from an old friend who makes him realize his feelings for Kaz, now all that's left is for him to ask him out. But does Kaz really like him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think Ocelot and Eva are best friends and she is one of the few people who can make Ocelot sweat feeling ashamed, but she also understands him like no one else. That's why she's like the voice of consciousness and he takes her advice seriously.  
> Also one of my headcanons is that she and Kaz get along very good (just too good) and they annoy the hell out of ocelot when they are together.  
> I'm planning on writing something about this trio (eva, kaz and ocelot) soon :)
> 
> Ps: the ending is somewhat cut. To read the full version check [Kaz's side of the story ](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6752992)

I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t being sincere with Snake and that was killing me.

My feelings were killing me too. It felt like the first time I admitted that I had feelings for John. On times like this, there was only one person who could help me, who knew I felt something for Miller even before I realized it.

Snake and Miller didn’t say anything when I informed them that I had business to attend and that I’d be off for two days. They knew that I had my own show to run, but... I was somewhat homesick without having them around.

 

We used to meet here, me and her, due to its closeness to my business and Cyprus.  
The meeting place was at a small cafe on Myrtos, Greece. It was located at the seaside and its view to the Mediterranean sea was spectacular. Every time I went there, I couldn’t help but think ‘ _Kaz would love this place._ ’

“Since when do you have tea? Oh right, since you started hanging around with _John’s boy_.”  
I didn’t bother in answering. She had both asked and answered the question herself.

“Did you agree to meet me just to mock me?” I leaned on my seat while she hung her red jacket on her chair and sat down.

She made a gesture to the waiter and then smiled at me. Eva, no matter how old she was, she was still as sensual and beautiful as always.

“Can you bring me the _Yiaourti me meli_ and a coffee? do you want one?” I made a ‘no’ with my hand but she ordered one for me too.

I was beginning to regret this.

 

  
Once the waiter left, she focused her attention on me.  
“Adam, how’s everything going?”

I let go a heavy sigh.  
“Everything’s going well. Miller is really driving Diamond Dogs towards expansion. Snake doesn’t say anything, he just does what Miller tells him. It’s as if he didn’t have… That _thirst_ for power he always had.”

“He’s changed, right?” She wasn’t smiling at me anymore.

“Sometimes I think he’s a totally different person.” I looked at my tea as if I would find the answers there.

“It’s true then…” She whispered more to herself than to me and I raised my head, rolling my eyes.

“What are you talking about”

“Nothing. You know you can’t ask me about this. I just wanted to make sure you stuck to the plan.”

“I _am_ guiding Big Boss. That’s the plan.” I made sure to stress my words.

“Yeah. That’s the plan, to guide Big Boss.” She sounded more serious than she usually was.

The waiter came to our table with her coffee and two desserts which seemed to be greek yogurt with honey and walnuts.

We remained a few minutes in silence, me drinking tea and she drinking coffee.

“Come on, tell me the truth. This isn’t what you came for.” She leaned on the table and grinned seductively while her cleavage showed her pale skin and perfect breasts. Many men fell for her spell, not me apparently.

“Feminine intuition again, huh?” I couldn't help but smile  

“Is it about him?”  
Bingo.

“Something’s been bothering me lately and I thought you could help me.” I put my elbows on the table and entangled my fingers, closing my eyes while I spoke, hoping she wouldn’t notice that I sounded insecure.

“Go on.” She was smiling again while she took a spoonful of yogurt into his mouth.

“I -I can’t… -I took a deep breath and continued- Why is it that I can’t stop thinking about him? I follow him everywhere and I just want to have sex with him. But it’s not just that, even after we do it, I… I don’t want to let him go, I… I just want to cuddle with him in bed like a goddamn idiot and sleep feeling his scent. Weird, huh? Does it sound like any kind of hypnosis?” I was serious about this. I tried so hard to find a logical reason for my infatuation with Miller as it wasn’t like my obsession with Big Boss, but I wasn’t able to find any explanation.

Eva laughed so loud that everyone at the bar turned their heads to see her.

“Shhh what’s wrong with you?” I frowned and covered my eyes with my left hand.

“Adam, I told you this before John woke up and you didn’t listen to me. You are in love with Miller. There’s no mind trick, it’s only your little old lonely heart wanting some love from the japanese blonde. I haven’t seen him in a while… Is he still hot?”

“Oh, now you are mocking me.” I made a pout and took a spoonful of yogurt.

She laughed again. “No, I’m not mocking you.” We ate in silence, the only noise was the people around us, the occasional sound of clattering of the forks and knives and the sound of the sea.

“I know this will sound hard, but does he and John… you know that they-” she trailed off, of course she knew about John and Miller’s relationship.  
“I know what you’re getting at. Miller actually dumped him. Said he liked _someone else_.”  
I showed one hand in the air as surprise.

She remained silent for some seconds, thinking. It was so unlike her. Then she smiled while looking at her yogurt.

“Wow. He must really… _love_ you.”

I felt my face going hot. “What are you talking about?”

“Ask him out.” She said while she finished her coffee.

“You say it as if it were so easy.”

“I don’t understand you Adam. How come you weren’t ashamed to have sex with him? And not only once, but I’m sure you pretty much do it everyday and still you can’t ask him out?”

“Okay, I think I’ll leave.” I stood up while I grabbed some money from my pocket to pay.

She grabbed my arm and sat me back on my chair.  
“No, you stay here and listen to me.”

  
When she got angry she could be worse than Miller… maybe that’s why they got along so well. They knew each other, though it wasn’t supposed to happen, it was my fault. If only she hadn’t busted us on that hotel room back in 1979… But no, she had to enter without being called and caught me on the bed with Miller while we were at it.

I think I was on top of him, or was he? I then spent the rest of the night laying on the bed in the middle of them trying to control myself to not kill them as they got along fast and soon they were discussing my performance during sex… Not that me and Eva ever did it but still…

She brought me back to the present by grabbing my hand.  
“Okay Adam, let me tell you a secret.”

 

* * *

 

The next time I saw Miller he was on the Mess Hall talking to a group of recruits. I was sure they catched him to ask him something before he'd lock in his office to work.

I ordered two coffees and I decided to scare the men away, but the one talking to him was Snake.

  
I didn’t want to be between them, but I didn’t want Snake to think I was looking for Miller so I brought up the subject of the training program. In the end, Snake ended up leaving us alone so I could brief Kaz about it. It made me think he did it on purpose.

I tried to ask him out but I ended up discussing business with him. I handed him a coffee and when he grabbed the cup I placed my hand over his, even at that moment I couldn’t do it.

We ended up watching the sunset and talking about the weather, Miller was leaning on the baranda while he listened to me talking about Seychelles climate being cold at that time of the year. Of course, neither of us cared about that.

“I can keep you warm if you want.” I said grinning and joined him on the baranda, leaning with my two hands and watching nothing in particular, just the sea.

“Can the cold Revolver Ocelot warm someone up?”  
Miller was probably trying to start another argument, but I was tired of these back and forth so I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him. Isn’t this what you wanted from me?

Would he laugh at me if I bring the subject of dating? I wondered. All the chances of asking the question were running out. One thing led to another and I was pinning him to the door of his room, one of my hands grabbing his wrist while the other was placed on his chest, pushing him against the door.

“Why does it always end up like this?” Miller asked breathless while I was placing more bite marks on his neck.

Why do you always make me lose control?

“Isn’t this how you want it to end?” I raised my head to face him, he was blushing and there was a strange spark on his eyes, I could see it through his shades. I released him and stepped back.

  
Isn’t this how I want it to end? I asked myself.

The silence that followed seemed to be endless. I was about to head back to my room when he took my arm, ‘ _stay with me_ ’ was what he didn’t say, so without thinking it twice I opened the door to his room.

Once I closed the door he threw himself to me and returned the favour of biting my neck, leaving me marks too. I let him remove my scarf and his hand travelled to my pants while he continued on sucking on my neck. A moan escaped from my lips while my brain tried to process that Miller was taking the initiative this time.

My hands stayed on his hips until he got on his knees and unzipped my pants.  
It’s been so long since he sucked me like this, so eager and horny.

“Miller, are you sure you’re not drunk?” I felt my voice breaking and I couldn’t continue the taunt.

He didn’t answered and continued bobbing his head. The only thing I could do was shut up, I couldn’t even find my voice to throw a smart remark at him.

He removed his aviators and continued, he was getting serious. It had been such a long time since he did this for me, I closed my eyes and focused on his tongue and lips wrapping my cock, he was as good as I remembered.

No one had been able to make me hold my breath like him, not even John.

“Wait.” I found my voice and touched his face, trying to free my cock from his hot mouth, he’d make me come if he continued sucking me like that.  
“Stand up and strip for me.” I helped him get on his feet and I watched how he undressed himself. If he didn’t like me he wouldn’t do this, I thought.

“You’ll have to help me get undressed.” He said while he loosened his tie.

“Of course.”

I stepped forward and took a look at him. His face was already flushed and a trail of my own precum was escaping from his lips. He wasn’t unaffected, I could see his hard-on on his pants. I unfastened his pants while he unbuttoned his shirt and took it off.

“Bed, now.” I ordered him while I pulled his pants down to free his cock. He sat on the bed and let me take off his pants and prosthetic. I crawled to the bed until I was on top of him and I grabbed his chin.

“How does it feel like, Miller? To have me on top of you? You like this, don’t you?” I looked at his eyes, there was this strange spark as if he only had eyes for me.

“Adam, fuck me.” He whispered to me, closing his eyes and blushing. I could feel his hard cock brushing my own, but there was something different, he was being more _romantic_.

“Why are you so... eager tonight?”

He didn’t answer and entangled his fingers on my hair and wrapped his legs with mine. I grabbed the bottle of lube from his nightstand and removed the cap with my teeth. At least we were on the same page, he wanted me to take him and I wanted to fuck him.

Something changed on these past weeks, I couldn’t bring myself to see me with anyone else but him.

I pushed in maybe too fast, but I wanted to be inside him so bad. Was I too rough? Or too soft?

What are you doing to me Kaz?

Our bodies continued moving and he moaned so loud that I was certain all the base heard him.

 

* * *

 

The next morning I woke up on his bed, again.

' _How can you be so straightforward to sex and can’t even invite him for dinner? You’re missing one step, Adam.'_

I hope Eva’s advice works, I thought while I helped him to get dressed. He must have noted that I buttoned his shirt a little reluctant, I couldn’t help it but stare at his chest.

“What’s the matter, Ocelot? Missing my body already?”

“Do you wanna be late again?” I smirked and put my hand under his shirt, touching his chest slowly.

“I can’t be late again, but if you want, we, I mean…” these were the rare moments where I would caught Miller nervous.

“Let’s have dinner.” I hope I didn’t sound too needy.

“8pm at my office.” He answered quickly. He made me smile, maybe he was waiting for me to do it.

Eva was right, again.

Next, if I wanted to ask Miller out without feeling a jerk, I needed to have one talk with Snake.

 

The rest of the day passed slowly, and I couldn’t understand why I was so nervous. It was a stupid dinner... And I'd try to ask him out... While I was leaning on a wall on the shooting range watching a group of recruits practise, I imagined every possible scenario in which Miller would say to me yes or no. If he said ‘no’, I could still have sex with him, but… I didn’t want to admit it, it would destroy my heart.

But if he said yes?

Miller and I together, as a couple... Was that even possible? 

“Instructor, sir, what do we do next?”

I completely forgot that I had to supervise this training and tried to distract myself with work, at least for a couple of hours.

  

The lights had just turned on mother base while I waited for him spinning my Tornado revolver. All the excuses and reasons I could make up to justify my behavior and feelings towards Kazuhira Miller were also spinning inside my head. The man I was waiting for walked towards me, finally. His face covered with blood even after showering when he came back from the field, his horned-like shrapnel shining. It made me shiver.

“You have blood on your face.” I grabbed a handkerchief and tried to wipe the blood away from his face. He closed his eye and relaxed at my touch.

“Thank you.”

“I need to talk to you about Miller.”

He sat on the stairs and lighted a cigar. Then he gestured for me to sit at his side.

“Are you finally going to open up to me?”

I didn’t have any choice, he knew everything after all.

“I guess I can’t hide it any longer.” I smiled and I took the cigar from his hand and took a drag.

He took it back and smiled at me.  
“You’re not being cautious about it though. It’s so unlike you.”

“Lately there are so many things that are unlike me, Boss, you have no idea.” I gave him a weak smile. Yes, so many things were out of place, like this whole deal with wanting Miller for myself...

“I’m not expecting you to tell me everything but I do want to know what’s happening with Kaz. Do you… Like him?” Snake cleared his throat, it was obvious that he wasn't an expert on this.

“I think it’s something stronger than that.”

“Finally you admitted it.” and at that moment Big Boss patted me in the back, as if he were passing me the baton, the responsibility of making Kaz happy.

“Am I so obvious?” I tried not to but my nervousness made me grin.

“You try to show that you don’t care about him and you are always disagreeing with him or doing the contrary to what he says. However lately you’ve been more affectionate and considerate towards him. Something changed.”

“Boss I… I’m just afraid of losing him.”

“You won’t, he likes you.”

  
I tried to ignore that comment but I felt my face blushing.

“I’d like to have your approval.” I looked at him with the most serious look I could make.

Snake took a drag of his cigar and blinked. “You wanna marry Kaz?”

I couldn’t help but laugh at his comment, but at the same time I wished I could marry him.  
“Marry? No Boss, what are you saying? I want your permission to date him.”

“I’m not his owner, why are you asking me? Is it because you are worried about Diamond Dogs having two commanding officers being involved in a relationship?”

“No, I’m asking you because I know what’s going on between you and him.” I wasn’t smiling anymore.

He remained silent for a while and I regretted having told him my feelings.

“I’ll be ok if he’s happy, but only because it’s you Ocelot.”  
He put his arm around my back and I finched a little at his touch, not knowing what else to say.

He took one drag from his cigar.  
“Just, don’t make Kaz be late, he hates that.”

“Right.”

“And don’t smoke in front of him, he hates it.”

“I don’t usually smoke.”

Several seconds went by and I was still ashamed. Even more so when Snake asked about sex.

“Do you and him… do well in bed?” He was cautious and soft in his question.

“Boss, what?”

“Kaz can go on all night.”

I was sure he wasn’t doing it on purpose to boast about his past relationship with Miller. Maybe he wanted to give me a piece of advice.

“Shut up Boss that may have worked for you in the seventies. He-... I’ve grown old and soft.”

“We still have plenty of work to do here. No time for feeling old, ok?”

“You’re right.” I wanted to take a drag from his cigar and he stopped me.

“No more smoking for you.”  
Snake was smiling now, clearly enjoying this. This is how he was always showing me that I still had a lot to learn. How I loved this man.

The silence that followed was not uncomfortable, it was full of anxiety and words that I couldn’t tell him, feelings I couldn’t show him… I withdrew my Tornado and spinned it while Snake finished his cigar. After a couple of minutes I got bored and put it back on my holster, I closed my eyes and without really wanting it, I let Big Boss’s hand drag me to his shoulder. It wasn’t very common for him to have this close contact with me, it had always been Kaz… I figured it was his way of approaching me.

“Does Kaz know?” He asked with a tone of curiosity on his voice.

“I’m planning on telling him tonight. We’ll meet at his office at 8pm.” Why am I telling him this? I felt like a child in front of him.

“Sounds good.”  
He didn’t sound mad, on the contrary. He seemed pleased.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t be telling you this.”

“No, do so. I’d like to know where you two are when you’re not answering the radio.” He did try to contact us one or two times while we were _busy_ , and I couldn’t stop to answer his call.

“Sorry about that…” I covered my eyes with my hand. I should really put my priorities right, but maybe once I could solve my feelings with Kazuhira, only then I’d be able to focus on our mission.

“It’s 7:30 PM, aren’t you gonna get ready for your date?”

I got up abruptly, I still needed to get the food from the Mess Hall.

“Right.” I began walking but stopped to look at Snake. “Boss, thank you”

 

* * *

 

That night I stood in front of the door of his office. I could hear he was having a meeting with recruits from the combat team, Miller was putting them in their place. It was amazing how he could be the recruits' worst nightmare and when we were alone he would surrender to me... I loved having this power over him that no one else had.

But it was enough, I entered his office, ready to kick them out so they could leave us alone.

"Am I missing the party?” I walked to his desk and placed two bottles of beer and a bag of hamburguers.  

The recruits looked at me with a mix of surprise and shame. They were no stupid and everyone could figure out my intentions. 

“You heard Commander Miller, meeting's over. I need him for _myself_ , you are dismissed.” They'd eventually find out sooner or later that our relationship wasn't just a rumor, I had no intention to hide it any longer.

Of course Miller was not happy about it.

After we ate I slowly lead him to the subject I wanted.

“Miller, do you want to be taken?” I placed my hands on the desk and looked at him.

“Is this an interview or is this just your way of flirting with me?” He wanted to sound angry but I caught him off guard and blushing.

“It’s me wanting to know what happens between us.” No more running away.

Miller evaded my eyes and looked at his hand. Was I too straightforward with him? I walked to his seat and put my hand on the desk, trying a different approach.

“I overheard a conversation between you and Big Boss the other day.”

I’m sure you can catch the hint, you’ll know what I’m talking about.

“When? What did you hear?” He stood up abruptly and grabbed his crutch. No Kaz, you won’t escape from me this time.  
I put his crutch away from his reach and grabbed him by his waist while I placed my right hand on his chin, softly holding it so he’d look at me.

“Answer me this. Am I that _someone_ you like?” I felt an adrenaline rush for a moment, it was done.

“That’s… Did you hear that part? I didn’t mean..”

“Yes or no?”

“It’s complicated.”

Eva was right. He liked me and he found it difficult to admit it, just like me.

“So, you like me.”

He put my hand away from his chin but let me hold his waist.

“Let me be clear. I enjoy this thing we have but I…. I’m starting to have feelings for you and I think it’s best if we end this. I don’t want to be a fool for you.”

How can you say that? You are not a fool… I’m the fool for not realizing it earlier, I shouldn’t had let you go away from me in the first place. I don't want to lose you again... But Kaz, how can I express all the things I feel about you? If you are everything to me.

“I never thought you were a fool, Kazuhira. Look at yourself, you are Big Boss’s top advisor, you command Diamond Dogs and you even survived a 10 day torture… No, I don’t think you are a fool. That's exactly what I like about you.”

  
How can I tell you that I love you?

  
“Then what is this? What do we have? You told me you didn’t want to kiss me and that’s what you’ve been doing. Didn’t you say that for you only couples kissed?”

I had clearly made a mistake that time, but I wanted to punish him for kissing another man when I should be the only one for him. But I could not blame him, I had to blame myself since I was the one who asked him to stop whatever relationship we had at that time when we were at the infirmary, I was the one who pushed him away and at the same time stalked him, fucked him and played mind games with him. I had been the fool.

“Maybe that’s what I want us to be.” I crossed my arms around my chest and looked into his eyes.

“Wait. You are asking me out?”

My face went red and I felt stupid.

“I understand if you say no.”  
What if he said no? What if I had been wrong all this time and he really wanted to end this?

There was a long silence and I decided to insist. I didn’t have anything else to lose at this point.

  
“I can’t promise you flowers and chocolates though, you know how the commander gets when it comes to GMP. But I can give you other things...” if being romantic doesn't work, then I can win him with this.

“But I thought you were in love with…” he said softly.

He thought I was still in love with Snake. I still remembered when I told him that Quiet was in love with the Legend, and that I had also been in love with him. Maybe he thought that I still felt that way for Snake, but come on Kaz, it doesn’t make any sense. It’s you the one I seek, kiss and fuck.  
I don’t know what else to do to be closer to you, can’t you see it?

“That was a long time ago… Until I had the displeasure of meeting you.” I smirked and stepped forward.

“Likewise.” He grinned and grabbed my shirt, pulling me closer.  
I was about to kiss him when he spoke.

“Ocelot, I suppose we can be…I mean.... If you want, we can be… partners.”

  
I grinned. At last.

“Don’t be too cold Miller. We are lovers, aren’t we?”

“Yeah.” He answered blushing.

I closed the distance between us and I kissed him slowly. No one was rushing us that night when we went to his bed.

 

I couldn’t tell him that I love him, not yet.

Maybe is too soon, I don’t want to scare him...

But definitely one of these days I will.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so ends this Ocelot pov story. Hope you enjoyed reading it as I enjoyed writing it. 
> 
> I still have a couple of ideas to elaborate (including resuming [Play my game](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5645596/chapters/13001701)") stay tuned! :)


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